The Longest Blog Post in the World

This weekend, KCRW teamed up with 826LA, a tutoring non-profit (and all-around great org), for an exciting weekend at the Los Angeles Times Festival of Books at USC. We encouraged people to contribute a line to our Longest Story in the World project by continuing the crowd-sourced story by writing the next line. These two stories twist and turn with each line, but can you find a common thread? It might be difficult for this story to stay on theme, but it sure was fun to see the community’s input and ability to come together.

Saturday

Once upon a time there lived a T-Rex named Gwar. He loved blues guitar, but his arms were too short for him to play a guitar of his own. This made him sad, and he pondered what he could do. When all of a sudden, Fred Flinston showed up! Mr. T-Rex offered him the guitar, but Mr. Flinston only played top 10 songs. So, Mr. T-Rex ate Mr. Flinston and his search went on. And then it rained, and everyone got very wet right before the Itsy Bitsy Spider reemerged. The Itsy Bitsy Spider was afraid of dinosaurs, so the T-Rex absolutely terrified her. So she screamed, “AHHHHH!” Immediate darkness. The slide down the slimy path was terrifying. Once she landed in the stomach she clung to the corrugated inside wall to avoid being crushed. But, she was crushed and the incredible hulk saved her by scooping her up and carrying her off to Burkina Faso. Fortunately, she was fluent in the language of Burkina Faso, so she was able to communicate with the locals. One showed her a presentation by his tap-dancing cat.

There once was a tap dancing dolphin. He tapped all day. Other sea creatures watched his show. There was a place called basketball land. Every shot you made went in. There were games and you could win money. You win a million dollars. I almost won a million dollars. It was awesome. The tap dancing cat was in love with Mr. T-Rex and she wanted nothing more than to be a star in his tiny but beautiful eyes. She devised a plan to call every single theater she could find and perform her heart out and be seen. The cat was joined by a lion. The lion would yawn and show her teeth, then ROAR. After the ROAR she would sing. Dr. Fiedler bored her class to death so all her students joined Gallardo’s class and built a rocket. When the students built the rocket, they blasted off to Mars. There they met the Doctor and traveled through time and space.

Naturally this “roar” was indeed a top 10 song being Katy Perry’s “ROAR.” This was put on a loop for nearly 45 minutes until the Earth began to shake out of pure frustration. This was the biggest Earthquake known to the Animal Kingdom since Frank and Mammoth dropped his bowling ball collection. Walking around, they found nothing but the land around them. “What do you think we should do?” asked Nick. “I don’t know, let’s just wait it out,” replied Jeffery. Suddenly a lion leaped out of the bushes and bit off Nick’s arm and tree branch grew in the spot where his arm used to be. The branches started blooming Jasmine and chocolate drops. Nick screamed “OUCH!” then opened up his first aid kit and smiled. Nick screamed as blood rushed from him and his arm was 10 feet away. He screamed, stating “Ah! It’s me all over!” Tiffany laughed and stated “I was right, we do need to stay!”

Then Rani and Nat came to the rescue, blasting “I Wish” by Stevie Wonder and bumping to the beat of the music. All of a sudden Nat pulled out her maple want and conjured up a battle of skelegro, saving Nick from his broken arm. And the T-Rex came back to attack them! Nick, with his newly fixed arm, used an extraordinarily large stick to fend off the dinosaur. But, no matter what he did, ultimately it was the two girls that ended up scaring the beast away. All of a sudden, the T-Rex wake up and realizes this was all just a nightmare because he was nervous for his upcoming concert. It was about 8am and he decided to start practicing non-stop. He knew he would one day be an amazingly well known rock star. Years later, music historians would cite this, the nightmare that led to the creation of arguably the greatest blues song ever made. Down on his luck, no arms and awakening from a nightmare, the T-Rex would be known across the world. The band T-Rex Dinosaur Jr. would pale in comparison. But among the puny humans, the T-Rex would find disciples. Young musicians without scales, who none the less practiced their scales incessantly to attempt to match the T-Rex’s musical prowess. One of these, a small Asian boy living on the streets of Kansas City. And then she found a guitar!

The small Asian boy idolized the T-Rex, later known as T-Rizzle. Hundreds of images of his musical role model littered his bedroom. He sits on his bed practicing his guitar skills when his mother knocks on the door, “Kenny? Come down for breakfast!” “I told you, mom!! Call me Tyrannosaurus!” Over the years, he practiced his marimba skills, until he was old enough to move to New Orleans and start a band called Gwar, as a tribute to original inspiration. After many months of touring with his newly found band Gwar, Kenny went back to Kansas where he met Marcie who HATED marimba. Kenny’s musical integrity was questioned as he slowly discovered the world of punk music, and was in a peril when out of the blue, not jazz, EDC came to the world. *EXPLISIONS* “Oh my god I love EDC, it’s so amazing!” a man named Sally said. And no one went to Coachella either. Except for the tap dancing dolphin who had just come back from his sister’s 20th Anniversary.

So, the whale did not like to be disturbed on a day that was so sunny and then it was tap dancing near a shallow that was the bottom on a train. Nobody knew what it was. Sally was the twin brother to his sister Tom and they would exchange places to know more about the opposite sex. Tom didn’t know what to make of Sally’s world, as they had not spoken in two decades and she had lived relatively quiet and sheltered life with her pet dolphin, Bixby. They had no idea Sally was about turn their lives upside down. Sally stole all of his sister’s worlds and made them his own, the same way all men do, right? But she would never allow that and instead escaped into new men’s arms, swallowing voice after voice. Her voice louder. Louder. Sally was so sure of her path that she didn’t even notice when her gender changed.

Louder, but not yet coherent. A new language was being born. A code unearthed in a Syrian bomb crater astrangely –matched some of Sally’s previously incomprehensible worlds. A Princeton linguistics professor named Phredd Frederickson to take over the entire story, just because. He likes books. All of a sudden, the monster jumped in and started to sing a song about books and ice creams. That made Phredd want to sing with him but Phredd had strep throat so his singing voice was bad. So the monster started to cry until Phredd was magically cured of the strep throat and they started singing Kelsey Ballerinis “Yeah Boy” together. Phredd’s voice, so melodic and joyous, inspired the townspeople (and monster) to get jiggy with it.

At that moment Bill Crockwell woke up and realized that his opium dreams were back. He turned on KCRW and hoped for Prince, but got Elliott Smith. The music was no match for Nill’s hunger though and he promptly decided to find lunch. The end.

 

Or is it?

 

Does anything really end? Memories of WWII, the old west, cavemen days, speaking 2nd language with the accent of a 3rd language. I never learned.. “What goes around really does come around.” It’s definitely not the end because the tap dancing dolphin escaped from Sea World and made it into the Pacific Ocean and reunited with his family. The dolphin met a loving dolphin name Cahndra and they swam to the Indian Ocean. She wondered what to expect as she walked the long 3 blocks to his house. Was it fear or an unexpected surprised that would change her forever? On the shores of the Sr Lanka, the cetoceans met a young boy playing with his toy in the shallows. But something was amiss. She opened the door and to her surprise a HUGE octopus grasped onto her fin. “JESSICA” she shouted, “don’t you recognize me? It’s Lorraine.” “My name is Jessica?” she asked. Oh, she had so much more to learn. “Jessica!” Lorraine said again, “Please take me out of my misery. I have 8 legs, or are they arms?” I looked at her and started to dance. This was me. Jessica. I danced for an hour until I collapsed to the ground. After what seemed like days, I awoke.

A voice rang out, “Yee, who enter here are blessed, take forth that message, and speed it through all the lands!” Jessica the octopus arose and yet, this sincere message perplexed Lorraine. She stared off into the distance and pondered. She thought about twelve cows and gold minie thorns she teleported to Basketball Land! But suddenly, no ones shots were going in! Something was terribly a miss! All of the basketballs were as heavy as bricks. At this point, the universe flipped. The gods were upset. The misses were makes and the wins became loses. Our only chance was Lucas. Lucas was a cybernetic girl capable of playing the game with all the other capable men. But something happened. People told her she couldn’t she was reminded. Still, she persisted. But then Lucas realized she HATED basketball. Everyone telling her she couldn’t didn’t matter. Everyone telling her she could didn’t matter. She was free to pick what she wanted to do. Or was she..?

Basketball: One day a basketball fairy came to a basketball game. The team had special powers to win the game. The other teams didn’t know about their powers. Then, suddenly, the basketball fairy spotted Filipino President Duterte in the audience. She knew that her powers would be better. Said helping President Duterte become new. After halftime, they instantly transported to Manila. Meanwhile in a society much like our own, a single man opens increasingly distraught. The muscles in his neck weren’t going anywhere. The fairy had an intuition that she was needed in another dimension, but she did know to sit there. What dimension or what she was needed for.

Suddenly the creatures from the land of Blue Salted Butterflies came and brought her a pot of magical honey that would help her journey to the spiritual rim of mountain moons. Where Justice the Peace Queen lived. It was very magical. The fairy was so grateful she wanted to find a way to repay the magical creatures. She just didn’t know how to. She thinks very hard and decides that she will travel to many dimensions so an idea pops up. She plans to bring them something from the other dimension, something marvelous for all the creatures to love. She knew that she would find the best souvenir for everyone. She would get started right away. She was so excited! She would dazzle them all. They would remember for a lifetime. And then the giant glowing potatoes sprouted from the dirt and hugged and loved everyone.

 

A cat ran down the street and kept running, he wanted to be free.

 

It was wrong to carry all the books she was carrying and the fairy seemed relieved by the lighting and the chair, desiring rest and refreshments, but behind the chair was the monster she feared most. At first people were a bit freaked out by the sudden appearance of the potatoes (especially since they ruined the roads) but were satisfied by their warm embrace and the discovery of an expected lighting source. And once he turned, he saw a sheep hovering in the background, watching, leering almost. He smiled. The sheep was a sign. A sign of things to come. The energy in the room was excitable and riveting. Everyone was gyrating their hips and swishing their shoulders. Sex was in the air. And then… the turntable skipped and came to halt.

 

I went to Florida to experience Alligator Alley and layed down on a walkway and came up close and personal 2 alligators –ps not the first daring things I’ve done.

 

Thoughts of the past swirled in and out. No one could have guessed a day like this would come to pass. Self-doubt was a wall not easily summoned, but that was working backward and that was not what was going to happen this time. This time she was going to conquer the world. She dominated the dance floor at Alligator Ally; wisps of her hair released a fragrance too mesmerizing, too distracting. Now was her moment. With everyone focused on her beauty, she could unleash a silent genius that had been dormant until this minute. Although, sadly enough, a tragic accident happened while she waited. She had lost all hope in making her dreams into reality. Then a man creeped out of sight and offered her a dual. It was in this moment that by the jurisdiction of her own existence she was deemed a queen, spinning and fearless in a world that was against her and everything she strove to accomplish. So this day forward at 9:30 in the morning she danced to whatever Jason Bentley was playing on morning becomes eclectic with Jason Bentley. As a drawer dropped on my head from the inconsolable crying child on my shoulder, she smiled. Looked me in my eyes and said he was just like you when were a child. Now give me my grandbaby! It’s ok grandbaby, I’m taking you to your momma.

One upon a time there was a princess. That princess’ name is Sarah. Princess Sarah has a best friend named Ruby. Also Ruby and Sarah both have the same enemy, who is Deathbotle. Deathbotle is trying to kill Ruby but Sarah is not going to let it happen. Then they went to the ripped bodice to meet their favorite author, Julia Quinn. She totally fan girl over her. LOL. Amd Gwar woke up again. He missed the simple times, the happier times, like when his friend Nick’s arm transformed into a chocolate and jasmine tree. He turned off “All Things Considered.” The sun shone outside and beckoned him to Griffith Park. They had a secrete. Angelened had long been concerned with the cayote “problem” in Griffith Park. But Gwar and Nick were not worried because they could talk in cayote. Then the door slammed shut and she was left standing there, mouth agape. And all around him, bodies of the fallen were splayed around the otherwise clean tile floor. He looked around him for survivors, but found none. Despair filled his being and he let out a howl of anguish and turmoil to rival Oedipus of old. and as she stood in complete darkness, with no one else near and no recollection of how she got there, she saw one single star in the sky, and everything seemed to be alright. At least for the moment.

We never really understood how this stream of events would lead up to the opening of hell’s gates but what we do know is, Lucy was going to fend off every last go. Time we saw soleil we didn’t realize how she was going to accomplish winning a Pulitzer, curing cancer, saving species, and walking on the moon 3 times but her ambitious fueled her. She accomplished all she said she would and encouraged her brother Marcel to not fall for life’s temptations and be an asset to himself and his community because BLACK LIVES MATTER!

 

Today I gave a presentation to 100 parents and workers for 3 hours.

 

Today I woke up late and went to crossfit and enjoyed the day with a good friend.

 

Today was awesome

 

It all started when I entered the wolrd from my mother’s sweet spot. With every breathe I took I earned another life time. I’m not 46 and still I’m collecting life times.

 

Bring back the “Happy” song into people’s lives. Or something of unification! Melody! LOL

 

Then trump decided to imitate Khomeimi, the demagogny, the lies. However he didn’t have the sorry, the despot mullah was smarter. Then Paulina ran out her front door and grabbed her wristwatch and realized it’s not election day and she became depressed. She woke up surrounded in an endless seas of cherry pits. Her book was nowhere to be found. How did she get here? Where was Maya?

 

 

Sunday

 

Sometime ago on the shores of Venice Beach, roamed a dinosaur named Butter. Butter lived alone with his pet parrot, clue, who kept him company. Everyday people passed him by but paid him no attention. Butter decided he did not want to live in the shadows forever.

As she looked around she wondered how she made it this long without ever trying to learn the skill that would carry her to the next level of her existence.

She said goodbye with no regrets. A new journey will begin…….

When night falls in Los Angeles the stars don’t come out. That implies that they did not always exist permeating the streets of cracked sidewalks. No they always were and always will be.

She decided to travel the world. Her first stop New York City! Who knows that will meet her there…….

The wind carried her to the top of the Statue of Liberty.

And…. Back to Butler. Butler at this time had broken his leg and the parrot was repairing it. Good thing the parrot was a renowned surgeon. In no time, Butler’s leg was repaired and he was back on his feet.

Once back on his feet, Butler decided to use his gift for good. As he patrolled the streets, the inhabitants felt more secure. And when the murders began….

Butler realized he hadn’t eater in a number of hours. And being a carnivore, he found it difficult to find something hearty and meaty to eat among the vegan establishments of Solto!

Herey was a Blue, yellow, and red. Red was bad, he bullied blue yellow bey was sad and ben one came he said be storing. And said to red stop bulling use.

So Butler decided to make 2 suily steaks. 1 for him and one for his boss.

HIs boss loved the steak so much he promoted Butler. Butler worked for many years in upper management until her has a nervous breakdown and quit.

After quitting his job, Butter Butter decided to start a farm – what a great way to get back to his roots! He planted thousands of carrots, his favorite!

When the carrots were harvested, Butter Butter decided to plant something new. Clie asked for raspberries so they planted thousands of raspberry bushes when they began to produce raspberries they made raspberry carrot soups and gave it to the soup kitchen. Hundreds of people were fed. Life was good in Venice.

I kid at the soup kitchen asked, “where can I play soccer”? Other kids heard him saying

Please allow me to assist in great nutrition. Eating a good diet helps in an athlete’s performance and endurance. Try a low carb, diet with high vegetable content, and meat four times maximum per week.

But whatever you eat, be sure it tastes good and you enjoy! At that point Butler piped up saying – “did you know chickens are actually dinosaurs?”

The farm turned out to a bigger success than Butler anticipated. So he decided to take a trip to Hawaii to see if planting pineapples would be feasible!

Little did he know, planting pineapples in Hawaii would not happen. There had been rumors that some evil force was targeting all the good things in life/ And pineapples are good. Butler was sad. What would he do now?

Butler set out to see if anyone could help him find this force of evil. But the island was deserted. He set out to the top of the volcano to see if there were any people left.

No matter what I knew we had to fight evil. So I opted to head for the beach first, before going to the volcano. Besides the volcano was rumbling enough that an eruption might be coming. Evil forces worked hard to scare me, but I continued trekking to the beach.

Once Butler got to the beach, the volcano erupted. His head shot up, and he gazed upon the mountain, from where lava was pouring down. Heart rate quickening, Butler dashed across the beach, lava hot on his heels. He ducked into a cave, and the lava cooled, blocking the entrance. Butler was trapped, but the cave seemed to go further. Only one way to find out.

Deep inside the cave Butler was surprised to find a nightclub featuring dinosaurs that performed stand-up comedy. He decided to try stand-up comedy himself and put all his effort into learning how. Butler was making an effort to read the mood of the audience. He discovered that in the crowd was a stranger from a land that could read his thoughts and was sending him messages to help him. The stranger appeared and wanted to help.

Butter Butter noticed an attractive dinosaur from across the nightclub. She was nervous to approach so she asked for a glass of Dino-Wine.

Then the guy who could read minds, his name Gregg, he told him how to talk to the girl in the audience… her name is Sarah.

For the life of him he could not think of even one word to say to her. His little dinosaur brain went ‘pop’, ‘grr’ and ‘what’s for dinner.’ It had no words for the way his heart felt when he was with Sarah.

Even so what occurred to him was that he was desperately hungry. Looking around he saw only an all night diner… So he went in and ordered.

Please stand clear the doors are now closing. She stumbles forward, cart overflowing with her few life possessions. Exhausted, wrapped in a glaze of dust running with sweat she gazes at the young girl who reminded her of herself.

All that was felt now was to push the leaves, rust crusted door open and hope for a path. She leabed into it, forcing it open half inch. Dense, green mist surged through the crack.

As he was lost in his own despair, he went in the 7-11 with little money and all the stress in the world he bought a bottle of booze. Going into the streets at 12:00 P.M. the starts to drink and drink and drink, until he passes out. Old women are giving him money and wishing their best. ‘Ah,’ he said. It was just a dream. ‘Time to go to work.’ As he walked, he saw a man in ripped clothes and with a bottle of booze next to him ‘here, and my best wishes.’

Following his terrible dream, he sat down, alone, and thought. He then went home to his house. He has no family, and no friends. He decided to take a nap. Then all of a sudden he heard a voice…

Then from the earth, a dragon with yellow fangs and blazing eyes ate him with one large ‘chomp’.

The dragon ate him so he could eat the man’s mangos. After eating all the fruit, he burped and crawled back into the earth. The dragon was just a highly sophisticated robot and it broke. The evil doc lenocla the porta-potty down, falling on our character…

The dragon was a very small one and it was blue.

But using secret magic powers he came out fine…

And decided to go to college and got a degree in broadcasting. He landed a job as a dj at KCRW.

His show was in the wee hours of the morning, and he wished he could be on at a better hour.

And then he woke up and realized he was in Afghanistan in a war zone. It had all been a dream.

Then his house blew up, but he survived through the powers of deus ex machina.

After that, Butter wanted to travel some more, so he went to… PARIS!!!

And he was put into a zoo, saw his best buddy Clue, who was a parrot. They cheered, ‘whoo-hoo!’ Humans, footsteps approaching they didn’t have a clue.

And then Butler Butler realized his parrot friend probably knew where to pick up some dinosaur chicks…

It was in the parrots mind. So Butter begged his parrot friend. Finally Clue told him. It was in the long lost Camitoshocontiapicia. All he needed was to find out where exactly that was…

It didn’t sound like anywhere in Paris, but Clue and Butter went to the Lourve as a good place to begin. Dinosaur chicks love museums!

Clue and Butter went to go look at the paintings, and Butter ate some of them…

Suddenly Butter exploded into dust. Clue started to squeak in fear. ‘No! Butter!’ Clue started to cry, not only 2 minutes later butter reappeared. Butter started to laugh so hard that tears popped out of her eyes

Butter pauses to wipe the moisture from her cheeks. ‘What were we doing again?’ She said with a chuckle. ‘Preparing for the feat of knights’ An ominous voice replies from the darkness. ‘

What happened to you Butter?’ Clue retorted. ‘I’ve been thinking of new ideas for a new place for us to fo!’ Butter said ‘But what about the insurance!’ Clue remarked in a scared tone, ‘surly traveling the world will be difficult!’, ‘Well, there’s always my way!’ Butter stated.

Butter was tired, ‘Hey, I’m a vet! I served in the Butter v. Miragine War. I’m sure there are loads of places I can stay for free!’ Butter approached the VA hospital for some advice…

Slowly, Butter approached the Va’s door, which creaked open with a loud groan, just a crack at first, then wide…

… as it lurched to a stop, one large paw presented itself. Patchy and mud-matted brown fur covered it, barely concealing the sharp claw at its base. They curved downwards and made a distinct clatter as they hit the wooden floor. Butter took a slow step backward as another paw came through.

Butter looked carefully around him. ‘When is your next available appointment.’ he asked. Before him sat a skeletally thin whale wearing a nurse’s bonnet. She spoke slowly, her voice echoing. ‘Next weeek,’ she bellowed. ‘I’ll add your name to the list.’

Butter sighed, time hadn’t been properly sorted out yet so a week could anything from a few sunrises to a severely dozen, Butts turned and slumped into a soft chair in the waiting area. He picked up the only magazine left and was disappointed to see the sudoku had already been done.

‘No, no, no!’ a woman at the window shouted suddenly. She was wearing a brightly colored dress of tangerine trimmings and Butter couldn’t help but notice she had one sock on of yellow baby tyrannosaurus and a bare foot in the other. He found her oddly attractive, although her screeching likened her to a dinosaur of the chickenstock than a long-neck.

Butter turned away from the woman, and decided to return to see her later, after she had calmed down. Butter continued walking and then came across an enormous orange fluffy cat named Shuki, who demanded to be fed tuna fish or Butter would be clawed to death.

Butter relented , and produced a can of tuna for Shuki. Shocked that Butter had any, Shuki immediately became a friend and didn’t claw Butter to death, being a cat of his word. Shuki asked Butter ‘Where to, next?’

‘To my friend Taffy’s house’ ‘who’s Taffy?’ cat asked. ‘ Taffy is my friend chihuahua. She lives in canada. Today she said she was hosting a meeting for Trump. She was going to be serving maple syrup and sausages. Would you like to go? Saud Butter. As Butter turned around, the cat disappeared!

Because there was nothing that cat loved more than maple syrup – she was off to canada right away!

Butter couldn’t believe how that cat took off!. But as that fast feline ran, some thoughts went racing: ‘What if there’s no maple syrup left?’ ‘what if I can’t find anything to eat?’ Meanwhile…

The cat realized… just head to Montreal and then for really great maple syrup… head south to Vermont… where the Trapp Family Lodge is a great place to visit. Next door is a Nebraska Krall Farm where the Blake family has been getting there syrup since 1982.

This one time a dinosaur was walking in dawn the street and tripped. He cried so much, he saw a pumpkin and cried because he was scared of it.

…Then the pumpkin lit up and started singing Bob Marley ‘3 Little Birds’ Every little thing, is gonna be alright. The boy stopped crying and began skipping down the street…

Suddenly, a unicorn flew out in front of him. He walked toward it to say hello…

Meanwhile, in Peoria, a man, shrouded in shadow no matter how bright the sun walked down a dark alley towards the lane door. He couldn’t help wondering what he would find on the other side…

But what could be considered the other side for his world was surrounded with doors of all kind. The frustration led him to run to the furthest door, and there he stood anxious. He took step forward and turn the knob what he saw was

A box. The box was a small cardboard box of a brown colour. He walked up to it and picked it up. It felt… fluffy.

As he shook the box a whirling array of colours and noise erupted. Suddenly, a genie appeared. The Genie spoke ‘You have awoken me, for that you get one wish.’ Butter replied, ‘I wish for it to end.’… and they all lived happily ever after. THE END